Infertility: My Journey

How did I end up here?

In January 2011, I met the doctor who would walk alongside me on my fertility journey. It’s funny to look back on now because at the time I didn’t even know that the ride had begun. I arrived at my new gynecologist’s office and was met with a sign on the door that read, “Fertility Specialist”. My first thought was, “I’m in the wrong place and I’m gonna be late for my appointment because this is not the right place!”. I wasn’t in the wrong place. Little did I know, this was a divine appointment. I left out of that first appointment and cried in my car. Dr. H. had told me that I had several uterine fibroids and would need to decide what to do about them. I was 31 years old and didn’t have any children. She didn’t even ask me if I wanted to have children. It was as if she knew. She spoke very frankly to me about my condition and shared that she would do whatever she could to preserve my fertility. 

Many women have fibroids before, during, and after pregnancy that don’t cause them many issues. This was not the case for me. I had gone to Dr. H. because of the symptoms I was experiencing. Apart from the heavy bleeding I was having from the fibroids, they had stretched my uterus, causing it to be enlarged. When I lay flat on my back, it appeared as if a small nerf football was sticking out of my belly. 

When I got to my car after that initial appointment, a flood of emotions hit me. The thought of “I may not be able to have children” flashed in my mind and the tears began to flow. I had never thought about this as a possibility. I definitely should have. I’d been celibate since I was 18 and didn’t have a prospect for matrimony in sight. I had in my mind that I had plenty of time. I should say that I had decidedly refused to let myself worry over the unwanted delay of marriage and children until I was closer to 40. But this one encounter jolted me into the reality that even if I got married tomorrow, I still might not have the 3 or 4 children I had in mind.

As a Christian, I’d like to say I remember having a spiritually mature response to this situation, but I can’t. Sure, I prayed and attempted to trust God with the situation. But for the most part, I went into fix it mode for the next several weeks. I scheduled to see two additional doctors because I wanted to be sure this stranger was accurate about what was going on with me. The first doctor I saw was my primary care physician. He said he would defer to my gynecologist on the matter. The second doctor I saw was a gynecologist who examined me and bounced me back to Dr. H., saying she would do the best job with my case. Some might wonder if that was just physician courtesy in not wanting to steal a patient, but in my opinion, no truer statement could have been made. 

Dr. H and I would be together for the next 8 years. She performed a laparoscopic myomectomy to remove the fibroids and said it looked good for me to have children in the future if a. scar tissue didn’t get in the way of an egg attaching to the wall of my uterus and b. I had children before the fibroids returned and I was faced with a possible hysterectomy. So things were looking….still not great, but I was optimistic. Each year for my annual exam, we had a similar conversation.  She’d share that she wanted me to use the uterus she’d worked on for several hours, and I’d assure her that I wanted to use the uterus too. Somehow she must’ve known that I was still single with no current marital prospects, or she just decided to put on her professional hat and leave me to my personal life. As the years went by, I started to dread these appointments.

To be continued…

Me circa 2011 after having a myomectomy to remove several fibroids from the cavity and lining of my uterus

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